If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I camp so other people don’t have to.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.