Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
You Might Also Like
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas