No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
You Might Also Like
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️