I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
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If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy