Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
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me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup