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Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Me checking my bank balance online.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.