Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
You Might Also Like
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die