Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
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It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.