Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
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Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
But wait…