That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
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Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.