Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
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Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”