Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
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Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind