BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
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My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Am getting real tired of your crap…
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.