Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
You Might Also Like
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
This is amazing.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off