Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
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What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
🍛
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?