This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
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an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.