Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
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I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.