Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
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a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW