My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
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Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
just witnessed a drug deal
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*