Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
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I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
wishing you and yours all the best
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex