Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
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Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed