If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
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[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.