Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
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DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.