never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
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Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
sleeping beauty
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I believe the plural is “milves.”
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’