Somewhere in an alternate universe
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If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.