Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
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7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
serial killer: you鈥檙e in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you鈥檙e gonna let me live
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren鈥檛 paid for or some kind of scam
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
馃ザ馃ザ馃惗馃惗
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Your salary is just your company鈥檚 monthly subscription of you
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn鈥檛 know if that鈥檚 good or bad.
Wonder why we didn鈥檛 get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 馃ゲ.