I am yelling
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Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
couldn’t resist
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.