I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
You Might Also Like
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.