Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
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FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”