[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
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[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Finally a use for spoilers…
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille