How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
You Might Also Like
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
🙄😏😂🤣
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
happy mother’s day❤️
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Sign of the day..
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…