true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
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I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”