I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
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“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string