The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
You Might Also Like
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.