My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
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damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Not😆🤣
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird