So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
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JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]