When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
You Might Also Like
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.