Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
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dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich