When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
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I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.