Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
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It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
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[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”