I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
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According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.