[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
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🤣🤣🤣
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
had to share :’)
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
True?