Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
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exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
good work, everybody
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.