I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
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If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that