Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
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‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
asked my bf how work was today
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true