The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
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FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”