Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
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me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.