Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
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Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.