If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
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my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.