“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
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A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound